


Arc Length in a Cardioid

by kosame



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Demisexuality, Drama, Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-23
Updated: 2012-10-23
Packaged: 2017-11-16 21:08:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/543824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kosame/pseuds/kosame
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sweden tells him that it was only for a moment, that it's being dealt with, that he has nothing to worry about. Finland finds it hard to breathe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Arc Length in a Cardioid

The roux dissolved slowly, whirling ribbons of color as Finland stared down at the pot and stirred them in. The wooden spoon cut across and marred their perfect curves, diluting the deep color to a light brown. Even after it was evenly mixed, he kept stirring.

"Fin," Sweden pressed quietly from across the room. Finland could hear the edge of desperation in his voice, but it was just another hurt on top of mass already roiling in his chest, behind his ribs making it hard to breathe.

"I think," Finland said quietly, absently, setting down the spoon. "I'll get, the, the um." He pushed past Sweden, keeping his eyes down so he wouldn't have to _see_. He opened the pantry door, went inside, then closed it behind him and leaned back against it. The single lightbulb threw everything into harsh relief. He shut his eyelids to spare his eyes.

***

A tap-tap on the door, and he was no further along than when he'd gone in.

Another tap-tap, and then Sweden's voice with the pleading note that was so familiar it made Finland's heart ache. "You have to eat." And then, "Don't starve yourself because I was wrong. Please."

Finland was really selfish, he realized. Sweden wasn't the one who was wrong, Finland was. But even knowing that, he couldn't force himself out.

He heard heavy steps on the floorboards going away, away, and the fear flooded back again, seizing his throat and his breath again.

***

The little light in the pantry was brighter than it had any right to be, for just a socket and a bulb and cheap bead chain. It wouldn't let him hide from the fact that he was being selfish and a coward. It beat down and down on him until he finally had to stand up, had to shut it off.

It was the darkness that finally forced him out, though. He knew he was only in there because he was afraid, and everything seemed so much scarier in the dark, he couldn't stand it.

He could see there was a bowl of soup sitting covered on the kitchen table. But there was a light on upstairs.

The stairs must've creaked, but Sweden pretended not to hear, because he didn't jump up from his seat. He kept his face stubbornly in his laptop, the screen reflecting in his glasses to make it hard to see his eyes. Finland stood there nervously just inside the doorway, then gave it up for a lost cause and turned to the closet.

He shouldn't be here. He had no right to be here. He should go. Tomorrow's suit, shirt, tie, belt. It was routine, and routine was easy. When he turned to go to the dresser to get his socks, though, Sweden was looking, and his eyes were hurt-angry, the most dangerous kind.

"I just wanted to be honest," he said, and he must've been angry, to be the first one to speak. But Finland's caution and his remorse were not in evidence when his mouth replied without his consent.

"You shouldn't have told me."

"You deserved to know."

" _Why did you tell me?_ " It was more a lament than a question, and Finland tried to stop himself. He took a deep breath, another. "Why would you tell me something like that?"

"It was just a momentary hiccup. I'm sorting it out. I didn't stray, I've never strayed--"

"Because you _can't_!" Finland burst out.

Sweden's mouth snapped shut, and Finland could read the anger settling into the thin line it made. It wasn't fair, Sweden must be thinking, and Finland agreed. He knew it wasn't fair, not when Sweden's sin was one Finland was more than guilty of. It shouldn't be different, it shouldn't be, but somehow it was.

"I told you," Sweden said, "There's only you."

That was true. In the same breath as he'd confessed to being shaken by another man, he'd said with no uncertainty that it was only Finland that he loved. Finland should believe him, owed it to him to believe him. "Then why did you tell me?"

Sweden didn't seem to have an answer for that, or maybe he was too angry to repeat himself.

"What's the difference?" Finland asked, even though he knew he should really shut up. He was scared and he was stupid, and he should really shut up. "For you to get close enough to someone to be attracted to them... What's the difference between that and if you actually went through with it?"

Finland may as well have slapped him. The hurt-anger flashed in Sweden's eyes. "You're one to talk," Sweden said coldly, and it landed just as it had intended. Finland was the one who had cheated in the past; what right did he have to be angry?

Yet, here he was. Angry and afraid. "Yes, that's right," he said cruelly. "And you waited for me. Waited for me all alone in this big house never even knowing if I'd ever come back, but I--" His tone turned from hurtful to honest. "I can't do that."

"No one's asking you to!"

"How am I supposed to believe that!? You've just told me the _one thing_ I could take for granted is something that can be 'shaken'!" Finland wrapped his arms around himself, knowing how selfish he sounded but unable to be a better person.

"I don't know what else I could say," Sweden said, sounding defeated. It was worse than the anger.

"You could say anything!" Finland yelled. "You could _lie_!"

Sweden just shook his head. He snapped the forgotten laptop shut and slid it into his briefcase, hefting it and leaving the room without another word.

Finland turned around and slumped onto the bed. Everything had gone out of him as well, leaving space for the remorse to come back. He deserved to be walked out on. He had never deserved being waited for in the first place. He was the worst kind of hypocrite, but he couldn't stop himself.

A bowl of soup interrupted his despair. His head snapped up, shocked, and Sweden thrust the spoon at him. "Eat."

"What?" _You didn't leave?_

"Just because I'm upset, doesn't mean I'm not worried about you."

"I'm sorry." _I'm so scared you'll leave me._

Sweden sighed and sat next to him on the bed. "It wasn't a difficult decision to make, you know," he said with characteristic stubbornness.

"Even though I'm a selfish coward?" Finland asked, watching the curves his spoon left behind in the soup and knowing he was fishing.

Sweden stroked his hair, then pushed up his bangs and kissed his temple.

**Author's Note:**

> I was rewatching the k-drama _Coffee Prince_ recently, and there is a storyline similar to this in it, but I really wanted to think more about what is and isn't infidelity, especially when demisexuality or asexuality is involved.


End file.
